"Here we are."
A dear friend of mine and I greet one another with this phrase. It seems appropriate that I greet you the same way after almost two years of absence from this blog. It is an honest greeting, which, allows my heart to connect. It is a way to honor and give space to all that has been while at the same time being present to the now. So, here we are...
Where have I been? I have been on a very inward journey and I simply could not find the words to write. I was suddenly alone without inspiration. My muse went into hiding and for as much as I tried to find her, she was nowhere to be found.
I had some very personal things compound in a way that left me silent and without a guide. I didn't feel I could offer anything to my audience while I felt as if I was floating alone in a vast sea with no land in sight. So, I isolated myself, I went inside to do a lot of inner work, contemplation, reflection but struggled to find my true north. Patiently, I waited for inspiration to flood me in order to return to these pages but inspiration did not knock on my door. So I left the page blank holding space that one day I would again find my voice.
Before all this transpired, my inspiration would usually come when sitting with my youngest son as he slowly drifted off to sleep. It was just the two of us sitting in the quiet dark. I would just listen and in the silence I could clearly hear an outpouring of words and sentences that I knew I was meant to share.
I began this blog as a means to to grieve my mom. Writing about her death was a way not to grieve alone. It allowed me to give voice to the pain and at the same time remember all the love. Then in what seemed like an instant my world appeared to crash down with a private matter that I couldn't grieve publicly. It was too painful, too hurtful and I was too angry. The Divine obviously felt my heart needed to break a little more. There was more grieving to do but this time in a different way than through writing.
With time, I have come to realize that so much of my journey is about experiencing BIG LOVE. It is through my pain where I have witnessed the biggest transformations and in turn my capacity to love has been expanded beyond my knowing. During this process, I realized my need to feel the space between the words. Resting in that space has allowed little fissures to crack the surface of my heart and let the love and the words flow through me again. Slowly, as I heal and the rose begins to bloom I can hear that sweet loving whisper in my ear, my muse is coming out of hiding.
One of the biggest contributions to reconnecting with my voice was stepping into this new decade of my life. I just turned 40 in October after a rather difficult year. Suddenly, I started hearing myself saying that things were 20 or 30 years ago and it felt like so much time had gone by and I had nothing to show for it. I was struggling to find gratitude because the person who gave me life and my best friend was not here to celebrate with me. I had created a warped idea that by turning 40 I was running out of time. My mom was only 64 when she died and there was so much that she still wanted to do. Subconsciously I was putting a marker on my life based on my mom’s timeline. Instead of going to love and gratitude and celebrating ALL that I had accomplished I was paralyzed by fear.
I had a choice to either to be bound by the hourglass of time or give my heart wings. By stepping onto my own path I realize that my path is not my mom’s path and in turn and in the most loving way conceivable, she has become my WHY for taking action and staying the course. Looking back on this past decade there is much to be celebrated and honored. I now see that it was about sifting through my world in order to create a new paradigm for my life, which would help me lay the foundation for this next decade.
Leading up to my birthday I had promised myself that these next ten years would be different. Then it was like I stepped through a new doorway where suddenly there was clarity and a deep sense of inner knowing. I have found my tribe, I am so clear that I am on my right path, I feel and I hear my mother’s tender words of encouragement cheering me on. I may not have celebrated the beginning of my 40th year with a blowout party surrounded by friends but there was a more important inner celebration and knowing that I am exactly where I need to be. I feel a deep sense of grounding but also a fierceness and willingness to be vulnerable in order to walk this path.
At a recent conference the term heart warrior came up and I really resonated with it. I am stepping onto my path as a heart warrior and there is much to be revealed on these pages and beyond. I would like to once again invite you, as fellow heart warriors, to journey on.