I have been sitting in my cocoon undergoing my own transformation preparing myself to launch into my next stage of evolution. Unlike the butterfly, who from the beginning knows its life mission and gracefully evolves to unfurl its wings, I had forgotten my mission feeling stuck as a caterpillar. I had been talked out of it, talked myself out of it, journeyed away from it, danced around it, until the spark within, that seed planted before birth, could no longer be contained within the confines of this body, by my own cocoon. There is too much to share, to offer, to bring forth from my being. It is time to stop playing small and step into the magnitude of my soul, to step into greater service having allowed for the discovery of the Way and the How to lead to my own metamorphosis.
The caterpillar doesn’t think about its own transformation and we don’t question it. We accept and recognize its process of metamorphosis. However, for us humans we often get labelled and put into boxes. For some time my label has been “just a mom”. That is how I recognized myself and how others painted me. Even though innately I knew being a mom was just part of a bigger picture, an integral part of a bigger purpose, it wasn’t complete. However, when the world sees you as one thing it can be challenging to re-educate others on roles and identity.
Up until now I have allowed the world to tell me who I was. I hadn’t spent long enough in my cocoon dissolving the untrue parts of myself so that I could not only claim this path but I could flourish. So much fear stood in my way...fear of failure, fear of seeming like a fraud, fear of not knowing enough, not being enough and so on. For every reason why I knew I should do this, there were ten more fear based reasons why I shouldn’t. I have put up blocks, barriers, excuses to avoid feeling uncomfortable and stay safe.
However, like my spiritual teacher says, fear can be one of our greatest teachers and when I am not sure about something it is either because I really should do it or I really shouldn’t, but I won’t know until I try. I have been called to this path and challenged to do things in a way that I am not familiar with. I am being asked to step way out of my comfort zone and stretch, to stop fucking around and claim my worth, my purpose and my truth.
You see I have learned something these last few months... that I CAN have it all. I have learned that I can be a great mom and a successful coach. I can mess up and recover. I can live a deeply spiritual life and still be IN this world. Life is a both/and, not always an either/or. I have said yes to something that is so much bigger than me and I am still trying to find my way with it but that is all part of the journey and the evolution. The question is do I have the courage to step into the unknown not having a clear vision of who I will become on the other end?
My own metamorphosis started just after my mom died. Letting her go sent me spiralling and I struggled to regain footing and walk towards my true north. In the process of transformation that occurs through grief there is a purification, like being washed many times over by the waves of the ocean. Within that space of being uncomfortable and moving through the heartache a blossoming took place with me. Like the caterpillar dissolving itself within its cocoon to fully take on a new form, from that blossoming a space opened up, as if my mom handed over a batton, not with what was left undone in her life, but with a space of unlimited potential and possibility to fully step into who I am being called to be, to fully break open and spread my wings.
For so long I watched my mom struggle with the same internal conflicts that have plagued me around knowing there was much more but not knowing how to navigate towards it. I saw being reflected in me the same self doubt, the judgement, the high expectations, the perfectionism, the great desire to create beauty in this world but at the expense of my own well-being and life mission. As I sat in the void I realized she was offering me a blessing of love. She was showing me how to get out of my own way and go towards what is important, to not make the same mis-takes as she had. By stepping onto my path I honor her by carrying on her legacy to be a molecule of love for those I am meant to serve.
I am launching, a new venture, a new direction, a new identity and in the process I invite you to become the butterfly in your own life.