The night before my Mom died I told my husband that I was thinking about writing her a letter just to make sure that I told her everything I felt I needed to before she passed. She died the next morning and I never had the opportunity to write or read her my letter. Almost a year has now gone by and this is what that letter would have said.
I sit here trying to find the right words to say and my mind is blank so I offer you my heart.
I love you more than anything in the world and it has been an honor to be your daughter. I am so glad I chose you. I will also miss you more than you can fathom. I feel like there is so much more I have wanted to tell you and to express but I haven’t out of fear and denial and for that I am truly sorry. I wish we had more time, I thought we would have had more time. I have watched as this disease has taken over your body but not your spirit and even in your suffering you still have managed to radiate love and light to all those around you. You have been a warrior in the highest sense of the word and I hope that if I am ever faced with a similar challenge that I am able to muster half the fight and courage you have shown.
I hope that you know how grateful I am for everything you have ever taught me, there has been so much. I hope that I show the same kind of patience, unconditional love and honesty to my children that you showed me. I hope to develop the same closeness with them that we shared. I hope I am able to stand and hold space for others as you have so beautifully done so many times. You have been one of my greatest role models and teachers. Words do not even begin to express my deep felt gratitude.
My heart aches as there is so much we will not get an opportunity to witness together. However, there are many moments we have shared that I hold near and dear to my heart. These moments are what I will pull upon when I need your strength, joy, laughter, guidance, love…to feel you close. You are leaving me very large shoes to fill but you have given me all the tools I need to walk in them confidently. Thank you for your spirit, your love, your determination, your beauty, your laughter, your strength, your compassion, your bravery, your friendship... you are extraordinary.
How I wish everything were different; that I could take away the pain and promise that you won’t have to go through this again. My greatest wish for you is that you find peace and know how very much you have been loved. Please don’t feel alone in this. Call upon the Divine who is always with you, showering you with strength, compassion and loving protection. Let the Divine’s light create a blanket to envelope you as your soul moves forward on its journey…I want you to know that it will all be ok, we will all be ok, that I release you.
I love you with all of my heart; until we meet again,
Watching my Mom die was one of the most difficult things I have ever witnessed in my life and this past year has been more than trying. However, the process has also taught me much…it has taught me to hold those dear to me a little closer; to tell them I love them often and no matter what; to take advantage of the time that we have and truly be present to the moment because time is the ultimate illusion; to nourish all my relationships but especially that with the Divine. It has also taught me to open my heart more, to laugh more, to love more, to let things go more easily, to live more passionately and to follow my passions. However, the biggest lesson has been that ultimately, in the end, the only thing that really matters is how much we have loved.